SeinQuotes

S01E01 - The Seinfeld Chronicles
00:00:21 There are people trying to find us. They don't know where we are.
00:00:25 "Did you re...? l can't find him. Where did he go?
00:00:27 He didn't tell me where he was going. He must have gone out."
00:01:42 It's very challenging work.
00:01:46 Can you relax? lt's a cup of coffee.
00:01:48 - Claire's a professional waitress. - Trust me, George.
00:05:03 - What? - Laura.
00:05:05 I can't believe... We already discussed this.
00:05:08 Yeah, but how could you be so sure?
00:05:29 You don't even know what hotel she's staying at.
00:05:32 You can't call her. That's a signal, Jerry.
00:05:34 That's a signal. Signal.
00:06:01 The machine is working. lt knows what it's doing. Just let it finish.
00:06:04 - You're gonna overdry it. - You can't overdry.
00:06:07 - Why not? - Same reason you can't overwet.
00:06:04 - You're gonna overdry it. - You can't overdry.
00:06:07 - Why not? - Same reason you can't overwet.
00:06:10 You see, once something is wet, it's wet.
00:06:20 You're not gonna die again. You're already dead.
00:06:23 You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".
00:06:28 Any questions?
00:10:36 - When you're done, let me know. - Yeah, yeah.
00:10:38 You can have it tomorrow.
00:10:41 I thought l wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend.
00:10:57 I don't think so.
00:10:59 No, l can be very persuasive.
00:11:01 You know that l was almost a lawyer?
00:12:20 Drop it down. Your end's gotta come down."
00:12:22 You know, l can't believe you're bringing in an extra bed...
00:12:25 for a woman that wants to sleep with you.
00:12:47 Would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place?
00:12:51 You can't be serious.
00:12:53 This is New York City. There must be 11 million decent hotel rooms.
00:13:33 It's not how to score on spring break.
00:13:35 Can we go? l'm double-parked. I'm gonna get a ticket.
00:13:38 Yeah, okay. Wait a second. I forgot to clean the bathroom.
00:17:26 - How are you? - This is Laura.
00:17:28 - Sure, Laura, sure. - I can't believe you're here.
00:17:34 - Get the bags. - Yeah, sure, the bags.
00:17:59 So make yourself at home.
00:18:19 So can l get you anything?
00:18:22 Bread, water...
00:20:21 You're engaged?
00:20:23 You know, l can't believe it myself sometimes.
00:20:25 You have to start thinking in terms of "we."
00:20:34 You'd really like him.
00:20:36 - I can't wait to get on that boat. - Me too.
00:20:41 I swear, l have absolutely no idea what women are thinking.
S01E02 - The Stakeout
00:00:27 you know, because they write out so many checks.
00:00:30 The keys, they can never find in their purse.
00:00:32 They don't know where that is.
00:03:23 Why does he do that?
00:03:24 Doesn't think anyone can tell.
00:03:30 So, come on. Do we have a deal?
00:04:34 Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?
00:04:36 Oh, I can't. I have a tendency to get chilly.
00:04:39 How masculine.
00:04:56 Gotta be a boyfriend. She's too good to be alone.
00:04:59 What's the difference? I can't maneuver anyway, with Elaine next to me.
00:05:02 How do you know Pamela?
00:05:43 How do you like that?
00:05:45 Can I turn now? Is this over?
00:05:48 No, I can't, I can't. I'm stuck.
00:05:45 Can I turn now? Is this over?
00:05:48 No, I can't, I can't. I'm stuck.
00:05:52 Jerry, are you listening to me?
00:06:36 Bye.
00:06:38 I can't believe it. I've got nothing.
00:06:40 I don't even know her name.
00:09:22 No, the only one I could ask is Elaine.
00:09:24 I can't ask her.
00:09:25 Why not?
00:10:19 Oh, she is. She absolutely is.
00:10:21 I can see if there was a weight problem...
00:10:23 No, it's not that.
00:10:25 It wasn't all one-sided.
00:10:27 You know, you can't be so particular.
00:10:29 Nobody's perfect.
00:11:01 So ask Elaine there for the number.
00:11:03 I can't. She'll get upset.
00:11:05 I never talk about other women with her,
00:14:22 Corevelay.
00:14:23 Let me be the architect. I can do it. I can do it.
00:14:26 Hey, hey, uh...
00:15:17 I thought engineers do that.
00:15:19 They can.
00:15:22 I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night.
00:16:08 Wait, I just wanna see something.
00:16:09 You can't look in there. We're playing.
00:16:14 -Hi. -Hi.
00:16:22 Will you challenge it?
00:16:23 Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary.
00:16:26 Dad, she's cheating.
00:17:36 Who am I, Rich Little?
00:17:39 Well, she can't be too mad.
00:17:42 She's still coming to the wedding.
S01E03 - The Robbery
00:02:16 No meat, no leftovers, no butter.
00:02:20 And I cannot overstate this:
00:02:22 No soft cheeses of any kind.
00:04:07 You have no hot water.
00:04:09 You can't have soft cheese.
00:04:11 Let's not forget the radiator.
00:04:11 Let's not forget the radiator.
00:04:12 The steam's been on for 10 years. No human can turn this off.
00:04:17 Jerry, come on. You're doing okay now.
00:04:32 Jerry, you wanna see the place or not?
00:04:34 I can't think about it now. I'm going to Minneapolis.
00:04:37 I got four shows this weekend.
00:06:31 - You have insurance, right, buddy? - No.
00:06:34 How can you not have insurance?
00:06:36 Because I spent my money on the Clapco D-29.
00:09:32 "Did you lose a Sony? It could be The Penguin.
00:09:37 I think we can round him up.
00:09:39 He's dressed like a penguin.
00:09:39 He's dressed like a penguin.
00:09:42 We can find him. He's a penguin."
00:09:54 Well, come on.
00:10:27 - There's a garden. - A garden?
00:10:29 I can't believe there's a garden.
00:10:32 - Would I have to get a gardener? - Yeah, you can get a gardener.
00:10:29 I can't believe there's a garden.
00:10:32 - Would I have to get a gardener? - Yeah, you can get a gardener.
00:10:35 - You tip him? - You can.
00:10:32 - Would I have to get a gardener? - Yeah, you can get a gardener.
00:10:35 - You tip him? - You can.
00:10:37 You don't tip a gardener.
00:10:37 You don't tip a gardener.
00:10:39 - You can tip a gardener. - You don't need a gardener.
00:10:43 Jerry, you can barbecue back here.
00:10:39 - You can tip a gardener. - You don't need a gardener.
00:10:43 Jerry, you can barbecue back here.
00:10:45 They deliver the coal?
00:11:06 Look at this. I'm walking in it. It's a walk-in.
00:11:10 Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this. What do you think?
00:11:17 I like that.
00:14:13 in which you didn't want it, I might take it.
00:14:16 - So take it. - How can I take it?
00:14:18 - How can I take it? - It's your apartment.
00:14:16 - So take it. - How can I take it?
00:14:18 - How can I take it? - It's your apartment.
00:14:20 How can I want it now, if you want it?
00:14:18 - How can I take it? - It's your apartment.
00:14:20 How can I want it now, if you want it?
00:14:22 Excuse me. I don't mean to cause any trouble...
00:14:22 Excuse me. I don't mean to cause any trouble...
00:14:25 but, George, if you take it, can I take your place?
00:14:30 Yes, but I am not taking it.
00:15:10 - Tails. - No, it hit the table.
00:15:12 - So what? - Interference. You can't count that.
00:15:16 Come on, are you crazy? The coin cannot touch anything.
00:15:12 - So what? - Interference. You can't count that.
00:15:16 Come on, are you crazy? The coin cannot touch anything.
00:15:19 - It affects it. - You didn't call "no interference."
00:18:01 And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say.
00:18:04 "He called it. What can I do?"
00:18:06 If there was a kid court of law, it holds up.
00:18:40 - What are you getting? - I don't know.
00:18:42 What can you eat? You can't have anything anymore.
00:18:45 Look at this, look at this. Eggs, out. Coffee, out.
00:18:57 I'm sitting there with a carrot.
00:18:59 They're closing in on 100, I'm saying to them, "How can you eat that stuff?"
00:19:08 I'm so sick about losing that choose. You don't know. I...
00:19:11 All right. Forget it. Forget it. I'm not taking the place.
00:19:15 - What? - How can I live there?
00:19:17 - Why not? - You're still thinking about it.
00:19:20 - I'll never feel comfortable. - Oh, get out of here.
00:19:22 How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping.
00:19:26 - I won't mope. - You're already moping.
00:19:43 All right, then, just get rid of it. You won't have any problem.
00:19:46 No, it's not a problem. I can get rid of the apartment this afternoon.
00:19:50 What apartment?
00:20:13 She wanted to thank us for the apartment.
00:20:18 I can't believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul...
00:20:22 and I threw out my couch.
00:20:52 You don't know how grateful I am.
00:20:55 If there's anything I can do to repay you...
00:20:57 - We're just so thrilled with this place. - It's a dream.
00:21:20 This is my new next-door neighbour, Diane.
00:21:23 These are the guys who turned this place down. Can you believe it?
00:21:28 Diane gave me the greatest back rub today. She's a masseuse.
00:22:17 Really? What about your apartment?
00:22:18 What can I do? I'll give it up.
00:22:21 What's the rent?
S01E04 - Male Un-Bonding
00:01:13 They cut those little holes for us
00:01:14 so we can see what the hell is going on...
00:01:18 but if they don't cut those holes,
00:02:00 I like you. I don't tell you.
00:02:02 We can only thank God for that.
00:02:03 (ELEVATOR DINGS)
00:03:17 It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.
00:03:20 Oh, they got a cure for cancer.
00:03:23 See, it's all big business.
00:04:12 All right, um...
00:04:14 I'm a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?
00:04:17 Okay. Yeah.
00:05:30 A pizza place where you make your own pie.
00:05:32 Can you conduct your business... elsewhere?
00:05:34 No, I'm talking about a whole chain of them.
00:05:57 Well, I don't understand why you spend time with this guy.
00:06:00 What can I do, break up with him?
00:06:02 Tell him, "I don't think we're right for each other."
00:06:21 The truth?
00:06:26 As a guy, I don't know how can I break up with another guy.
00:06:30 You know what I mean? I don't know how to say,
00:06:31 "Bill, I feel I need to see other men."
00:06:35 You know what I mean? There is nothing I can do.
00:06:37 I have to wait for someone to die.
00:06:45 See, the great thing about guys
00:06:47 is that we can become friends based on almost nothing.
00:06:51 Just two guys will just become friends
00:08:32 Unbelievable.
00:08:37 How can you talk to someone like that?
00:08:40 Look, what are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?
00:09:19 We're just not... suited to be friends.
00:09:23 How can you say that?
00:09:24 Look, you're a nice guy.
00:09:43 No, it's not that.
00:09:45 You're one of the f... few people I can talk to.
00:09:49 Look, come on, that's not true.
00:10:05 Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.
00:10:07 I cannot believe that this is happening!
00:10:09 I can't believe it!
00:10:07 I cannot believe that this is happening!
00:10:09 I can't believe it!
00:10:11 Okay, okay, forget it. It's okay. I didn't mean it.
00:10:21 Look, just...
00:10:22 Can we just forget the whole thing ever happened?
00:10:24 I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I took it out on you.
00:13:30 You didn't see him. It was horrible.
00:13:32 Oh, come on, Jerry! I can't believe this!
00:13:34 -I had to do it. -Oh, please.
00:13:34 -I had to do it. -Oh, please.
00:13:36 Can you change this into bills?
00:13:39 I'm sorry, sir, we can't do that.
00:13:36 Can you change this into bills?
00:13:39 I'm sorry, sir, we can't do that.
00:13:41 You want to go with him? You go. I don't mind.
00:13:47 Look, they did this for me before!
00:13:49 Look, I can give you these,
00:13:50 and you can roll them yourself.
00:13:49 Look, I can give you these,
00:13:50 and you can roll them yourself.
00:13:52 You want me to roll 6000 of these?
00:14:34 What?
00:14:35 Can I make it up to you?
00:14:37 I'll give you 50 bucks for the jug.
00:15:00 and I'll just make up some excuse
00:15:02 why I can't go to the game either.
00:15:05 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
00:15:08 why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets.
00:15:10 Then we can go.
00:15:12 George, the man wept.
00:15:41 You know, you have to know how to do that.
00:15:43 You can't have people shoving their arms
00:15:45 into a 600-degree oven!
00:16:00 With all due respect. What?
00:16:02 I just never-- I can't imagine anyone,
00:16:06 in any walk of life, under any circumstance,
00:16:37 Oh, hi, Joel. Oh, you just came in.
00:16:40 Listen, uh, I can't make it to the game tonight.
00:16:44 I, uh, have to tutor my nephew.
00:17:37 What are we gonna do there, talk?
00:17:40 We can talk.
00:17:42 I'll go if I don't have to talk.
00:18:25 No, no, no, no! These are good. Listen. Listen.
00:18:28 You ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house.
00:18:32 Very funny.
00:18:40 You're Dan.
00:18:43 I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?
00:18:46 Here, here.
00:18:49 God, Jerry Seinfeld,
00:18:50 I cannot believe you're doing this.
00:18:52 This is absolutely infantile.
00:18:56 (SCOFFS)
00:18:57 What can I do?
00:18:59 Deal with it. Be a man.
00:21:40 Back, back. On the 14th, they play the Bulls.
00:21:44 You can't miss Air Jordan. Let's see...
00:21:46 You know, I really-- I've come to the conclusion
S01E05 - The Stock Tip
00:02:19 You know, I finally meet a normal man,
00:02:24 and I can't even go into his apartment, you know?
00:02:26 And of course my apartment is The Actors' Studio,
00:02:26 And of course my apartment is The Actors' Studio,
00:02:29 so we can't go there.
00:02:30 It's really causing a lot of problems, you know?
00:04:41 That's it.
00:04:43 Yeah, can I take your order?
00:04:45 I will check to the raiser.
00:05:00 is based on tuna.
00:05:01 But, Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act
00:05:04 in your daily routine?
00:06:41 Really?
00:06:43 Can we go fishing up there?
00:06:45 Yeah, we can fish. What, blues, carp...marlin?
00:06:43 Can we go fishing up there?
00:06:45 Yeah, we can fish. What, blues, carp...marlin?
00:06:50 They have marlin in Vermont?